We Stay in Destructive Relationships for Deeply Human Reasons
Sometimes we stay because it feels easier than leaving—we have shared finances and children. Sometimes because the fear of the unknown is far greater than the pain we have grown used to. Sometimes the mountain we need to climb seems too steep and high. Sometimes there’s still love left, and we believe we can manage the shifts between violence and warmth. Sometimes we want to prove to the person harming us that we are not as bad as they think, that we are worthy. The bonds that keep us in place vary—they can be thick or thin, short or long.
Staying does not make you weak. It does not mean you don’t see what is happening—that you are being called names, broken down in your sense of worth, or forced into sexual acts. It simply means that you are stuck in a situation that feels impossible to change. But situations can change. Even the smallest actions can begin the process of transforming what seems unchangeable.
The Behavioral Science of Staying
Behavioral science tells us that we are more likely to remain in difficult situations when the cost of leaving feels overwhelming—financially, emotionally, or socially. We weigh these costs, often unconsciously, and convince ourselves to stay. We tell ourselves, “I’ll leave when the time is right,” or “I just need to try harder, be better.”
Here’s the hard truth: there will never be a perfect moment. The “right time” will only come if you create it.
However, small changes can have a profound impact. Research shows that taking even a tiny, manageable step—a phone call, a conversation with someone who understands, or writing down a plan—can lead to many more positive actions. These micro-steps are not just practical; they build momentum, create a forward and upward force, and shift how you see yourself. They remind you that you are capable of driving change.
Regaining Control
A destructive relationship often takes away your sense of control. You feel trapped, as though the choices you make are no longer your own. This is where behavioral science offers hope: even the act of making a small decision begins to restore your sense of self-control. Choosing to reach out to someone who can support you is not just a step toward survival—it is a step toward reclaiming yourself.
It is also important to understand that fear thrives in isolation. The longer you remain alone with your thoughts about your relationship, the stronger shame and self-doubt take hold. But when you talk to someone who understands—someone who has supported others walking the same path—fear begins to diminish. Connection is a powerful antidote to feeling frozen like a deer in headlights.
How Do You Start?
Leaving a destructive relationship does not mean everything happens immediately. It doesn’t have to. You don’t need to have all the answers or a perfectly crafted plan. What you do need is the willingness to take one small step. That step could be reaching out to us.
At Change Collective, we help you find clarity, rebuild your confidence, and start creating the life you deserve. When you contact us, you are not committing to leave tomorrow—you are, however, opening the door to possibilities. You don’t have to do this alone. Together, we will help you take the first step toward freedom and safety.
The hardest part of change is not the change itself—it is taking the first steps.
Please read below what some of the individuals who have participated in our programs have shared:
“Woman“Now I can see what happened, what my children and I lived with. I thought I was protecting the children. It has been so incredibly important to talk to someone who listened genuinely and took what I said seriously. I am not the one who should carry the shame! Finally, I got to speak with someone who believed the unbelievable. We are all on a path to something new now. It was like ripples in the water—when I started sharing and got your help, the children could also receive help.”
“Woman“Talking to someone who understood what this was about, someone who asked the right questions and didn’t shy away from the answers—that meant everything to me. He tried to kill me, and I saw no way out. The support was invaluable.”
“Woman“After several attempts, I was finally able to end the relationship and get him out of the house. I would never have managed it without your help. I had tried so many times before. For the first time, I have learned to set important boundaries. My life has changed after many years of violence.”
“Man“I have seen several therapists before, but this is the first time I’ve gotten help to sort out my situation.”
“Man“The support changed my entire life and my daily routine. My relationship with my children transformed. I am extremely grateful.”
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